Non-monogamy

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is currently the focus of my clinical and academic work. In recent years, CNM (or ENM - ethical non-monogamy) has been emerging into the mainstream culture. Literature and research on CNM is no longer considered “fringe”. Most of the people who have casually mentioned Jessica Fern’s excellent book Polysecure in conversations over the past several years are in monogamous relationships. The amount of published research on poly/CNM issues exploded, roughly at the same time (circa 2016 onwards). And, it seems that the shift towards “opening up” is not just a passing Zeitgeist fad: a quarter of American adults have at some point in their lives participated in some form of a CNM relationship. Millennials see CNM as a viable relationship option more than any other previous cohort, and Gen Z is certainly not going to reverse the trend. And with the changing societal attitudes towards CNM, the benefits of being open less harshly negated by stigma and discrimination.
Some definitions: CNM is an umbrella term that includes many different relationship structures - the common theme is that these are all intimate relationship in which all participants willingly agree to engage in romantic and/or sexual relationships with other partners. For example, polyamory is a type of CNM in which the multiple relationships are not just sexual but also romantic. Polyamorous partners might share their beds, but also their dining table and couch with their significant others. Arrangements around “primary” and “secondary/tertiary” partner dynamics are often in place when polyamory is a result of “opening up” a previously monogamous relationship. More often, people who start off as poly tend to have no special relationship hierarchy in place. On the other hand, sexually open CNM relationships (including swingers and “monogamish”) limit their extradyadic activities to sex only, either by playing together, separately, or both.
Words you hear a lot in the context of navigating CNM relationships is “boundaries and rules”. In therapy, couples and individuals who are attempting to open up, or struggling with their CNM relationships, often try to “fix” the issue by (re)negotiating behavioral rules - for example, you can have sex with others, but no romantic dates (sexually open). Or, even if you are on a date, if I call, you have to pick up (poly). The issue is that our emotions don’t always neatly follow the “rules and boundaries” that we set in place. And when things start to slip, more “rules and boundaries” (or different ones) can seem like a desperate attempt to control what is an organic process of change. Attachment theory talks about secure base and safe haven as prerequisites for exploration and play. What gets overlooked by many (including therapists) is that these are emotional dimensions that cannot be recreated solely through behavioral restrictions or agreements. They require something far more vulnerable, which therapy should facilitate: creation of a felt sense of safety when the “rules and boundaries” build into the monogamy model are no longer in place.