Conversations
To many of us, expressing needs and desires to our partners feels uncomfortable, or downright scary. However, being vulnerable with our partners and sharing messy, awkward feelings can result in a beautiful transformation in any relationship. Holding space for your partner in a loving, non-judgmental way, and/or having them help you sooth your fears and worries works like a warm bubble bath for our hearts and minds. How do we find the courage to get past the fear and anxiety, and initiate deep, vulnerable conversations? One of the best tools I found is the Initiator/Inquirer Communication Model (I/I Model), developed by Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. Here are the tips, with some clarifications:
If you are the Initiator (i.e. you are sharing something vulnerable/awkward/possibly conflict-provoking):
Remind yourself that you do not need to have a solution/fix before you initiate a conversation. This one was big for me. Remember that just sharing (your thoughts, feelings, confusion) can be enough, because most of the time in a relationship, you will probably co-create a solution anyway.
Having said that, be open to self-discovery. You might find it helpful to really explore your feelings and thoughts before sharing them with your partner. Again, you might not have any concrete solution (yet), and you don’t need to.
Express yourself. Express your thoughts and feelings, and as much as you can, try to express the primary feelings that lie underneath the easily recognizable ones. For example, if you are feeling jealous, the deeper feelings could be fear that your partner might leave you, or that they have stopped loving you.
Avoid blaming and accusing. Also name-calling.
Focus on one issue at the time.
If you are the Inquirer (i.e. you are the empathetic listener):
Remember: you do not own this problem, and you do not need to get upset. You are able to control your reactions and choose how you show up in the conversation. Your partner is a separate person from you, and they are entitled to their own feelings and thoughts that can be different from yours.
You do not need to fix anything right now. It is OK to sit with the difficult issue together, and offer each other comfort and empathy before jumping into “solution mode”.
Listen calmly. Take in what your partner is saying without getting agitated (see first tip).
Ask questions to really explore where your partner is coming from. Curiosity is your friend.
Empathize and soothe, offer comfort and stay connected.
Good luck and happy sharing!